Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Randomize
