We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
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