she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
