I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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