i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
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