6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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