Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
My friends, they love my intelligence
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
