There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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