the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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