I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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