Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
