just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
