Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
