i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
