When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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