Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
