I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
