I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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