Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
