the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
