So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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