My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
