miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
