I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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