We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
