I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
