i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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