I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
