i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
