So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
