We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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