yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
