apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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