Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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