He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
My vagina just clenched in fear
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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