Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
