I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
