They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
