You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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