I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
