i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
