Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
