come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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