guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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