I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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