i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
