Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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