He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
