A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
