So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
