i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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