I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Randomize
